Fire Ryan Poles | Fire Matt Eberflus

The Bulls could very well be upset by the Knickerbockers or Sixers. How does anyone expect the Bulls to win a playoff series when they barely beat the Pistons and lose to the Wizards? – April 16, 2012

It’s in the archives, folks. Even with Derrick Rose, I didn’t expect the Bulls to get out of the first or second round. The Bulls put me out of my misery Thursday night by losing in typical Bulls fashion by making a few stupid decisions in the final minutes and missing some free throws. Go figure. As I have been watching this series, I realized that there is at least one thing that pisses me off about each player on the Bulls. That’s when you know your team sucks. Here we go.

Omer Asik – You worthless piece of fucking shit. You have the worst hands in the history of basketball. Everytime you actually get your hands on the ball, you do a pump-fake, then jump only to still miss the basket or get fouled. Then, you go to the line to promptly miss two free throws. To top all of this off, you helped give the deciding game to the Sixers by missing two free throws at the end. In the first game you started, the camera shows you after two minutes in the game and you’re already sweating? How do you sweat already when you haven’t done shit? When you get your plane ticket back to Turkey, make sure it’s just one way.

Carlos Boozer – How many turnovers do you get alone? You are horrible at dribbling the ball and you are horrible at defense. Then when you lose the ball, you scream “HEYYYYYY!” at the refs thinking you will get a call. How hard is it to just stick your hand up in someone’s face? Even bums have their way with you when you play defense. Going for a rebound, you yell “HEY. GIMME DAT”. I pray you say the same thing the day you get your pink slip from this team. Amnesty clause, please?

Ronnie Brewer – You shoot funny. You broke your elbow when were a kid so I can kind of understand that. But the fact that you still can’t make a shot pisses me off. But hey. Your defense is great. Come back next year. Just don’t shoot the ball.

Jimmy Butler – There was that game against the Knicks a few months back where you were the difference in the game by playing great defense. I haven’t seen much of you since. Why don’t you ever play? Did you bang Thibodeou’s lady friend? Dude. STOP FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S WOMEN SO YOU CAN PLAY!

Luol Deng – You break your wrist as soon as the season starts and you opt out of having surgery? You could have been 100% healthy by the time the playoffs start but yet, you play hurt all year and probably made it worse. You sucked for all but one game in the playoff series and we all know why. Now, you may not have the surgery until August or September so you can play in the Olympics. Apparently, there is a fine line between stupid and asinine.

Taj Gibson – The last game of the series, you did two really dumb things. With 0.4 seconds on the shot clock, you still wind up to take your shot. It goes in. But you were way late. What about that technical foul you had? How many points did your team lose by? The least you could have done was punch Omer Asik after the game and you didn’t.

Richard Hamilton – You’re always hurt. In the playoff series, you totally sucked ass for most of it. You sometimes take terrible shots instead of passing as well. Just like Boozer, you turnover the ball in the shittiest of ways. Since there probably isn’t anybody else better that is a free agent next year, I have no choice but to ask you to come back. Just stay healthy, Dick.

Mike James – You’re signed. You’re released. You’re signed. You’re released. You played well in the games you did play. I can agree that you are still better than that fuck tard C.J. Watson. So why didn’t you play in the playoffs? Please don’t tell me you were also banging Thibs’ lady? There isn’t anything else I can think of.

Kyle Korver – One game, you will hit every shot you take. For the next three games, you will miss every shot you take. You can’t create your own shot and you can’t dribble. To top it off, you suck so much ass on defense, that you aren’t allowed to play at the end of games.

John Lucas III – What the hell happened to you? In the regular season, you kicked so much ass. Then in the playoffs, you sucked so much ass. You all of a sudden became scared to take any shot when in the regular season, you were as fearless as Hulk Hogan against Andre The Giant at Wrestlemania III. Man up, asshole; just don’t do it against the Bulls because you will probably be on another team next year.

Joakim Noah – You have all the heart in the world. You also have a lot of stupidity. One example would be you getting the rebound, then dribbling up the court like a point guard only to get it stolen from behind or you driving to hoop only to hurt your ankle so much, that it looked like it snapped in half. So what about that stupidity? Oh, yeah. You try to get back into the game two different times only to fuck up your ankle some more. DAMN YOU.

Derrick Rose – I hate doing this. But damnit. Why can’t you just change up your game a little bit? You’re too damn aggressive going to the basket and you get clobbered all the damn time. Dwight Howard knocked you on your back and wrist two years ago and it could have been a lot worse. Every part of your body has been injured since coming into the league and you were able to overcome all of that. Now, you will be out for most of next year with a torn ACL. I will be forced to watch your shitty backups for most of next year.

Brian Scalabrine – I cannot hate on the White Mamba too much. If there is something that does piss me off, it’s the fact that you didn’t substitute yourself in games when the fans were chanting “Scalabrine”.

C.J. Watson – YOU. MOTHER. FUCKER. How in the hell are you in the NBA? If somebody stuck a gun to your head and told you to make a layup without anybody guarding you, you would still miss it. You also contributed to the demise of the 2011-2012 Bulls. I saw at least three instances in the playoff series alone when you were handed the ball, you dribbled up the front court only to stop, shoot a three and promptly miss it. Every fucking time. The play when Asik was fouled at the end of the game, instead of holding onto the ball, why did you pass it to him out of all the other players on the court? IDIOT.

There is a time in everyone’s life when they realize that they just aren’t that good at something and therefore, find something else that they are better at. True story here. In junior high, a bunch of us went out for track because baseball in our town didn’t start until school ended. I was alright at running. There were some times when our coach asked myself and a few others to do discus and shot put because not enough people signed up for it. Sure. I’ll try it. Damn. I was fucking horrible. I couldn’t throw the shot put more than three feet and the discus usually wound up behind where I was suppose to throw. The moral of the story being, when I realized I sucked at it, I stopped doing it. When I got to high school, we had baseball at both our high school and our summer league so I didn’t have to do track ever again. Simple.

You should seriously consider doing something of the same nature, Mr. Watson. Maybe you should go on a game show where they stick you and nine others into the deep jungles of Rwanda with no supplies to see who survives last. You could be better at that than basketball. If I see you out and about, I am going to pick up a basketball and make sure it hits you right between the eyes. If Chucky sees you on the street, he is going to kick you in the damn nuts. Stay away from Chucky.

Coach Vinny Del Negro Tom Thibadeou – I sincerely mean this: You are the biggest reason this team sucks. Fuck your best record in the NBA. When the playoffs roll around, you are out coached. The Bulls could have had a chance to win Game 6 but you ran out of timeouts in the final minute (Vinny Del Negro was scorned for this shit all the time). There was a game against the Suns in January when the Bulls were up 30 with about nine minutes left in the game. Who’s on the court? All five of your starters. Hey, dumbass. When the fans chant “Scalabrine”, there are two reasons for that. One, we want to see the White Mamba score. Second, we want him and the rest of the other bench players in the game so players like Derrick Rose or Joakim Noah don’t get hurt in meaningless minutes. You have done that countless times in your two seasons as head coach.

Let’s fast forward to Game 1. The Bulls are up 12 with under two minutes to go. I believe most of the starters are still in that game. Derrick Rose jumps high in the air, tears his ACL and the season is over for sure. To top off all of this, your team makes zero improvement in regards to turnovers and free throws. Why? Because you refuse to acknowledge that your team is flawed and that the problems have to be fixed. Have your team play all the defense they can. They still have to score and not turn the ball over. In your personal life, you probably have made zero improvements in the bedroom and thus, the reason why your lady friend is sleeping with Jimmy Butler and Mike James. Who knows. Maybe Scalabrine is giving her the White Mamba.

Thanks for nothing assholes. See you in October.

This entry was posted on May 11, 2012 at 12:48 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.