February 11, 2016 by

NEW YORK – 1947: Portrait taken in 1947 by Philippe Halsman of Albert Einstein. Halsman’s photograph of Einstein was used as a basis for the United States 8 cent postage stamp issued in 1961. (Photo by:Philippe Halsman/AFP/Getty Images)

If Albert Einstein was alive today, he’d be saying: “I told you so.” WTF, you say? It’s simple: the gravitational waves have been detected.

And just how is this relevant to “us”? Well, I just happened to hear from “Albert” recently (he used to post here as “e=mc2” but misplaced his user name/pw; I’ve just provided him with that info).


Dear Gentleman and Lady fans of the Chicago Bears, your National Football League professional sports organization.

I trust that you are enjoying a break from the game, now that the Super Bowl has been completed, as this marks the end of another miserable football season for fans of the Chicago Bears. My hope is that you will find a vestige of peace and comfort during the “off-season” (a term that I find to be rather peculiar,  as the Chicago Bears appeared to be “off” during most of their just completed campaign).

As you know, data intrigues me. Some have accused me of being obsessive. Many have asked of me “Albert, why do you spend so many hours in the lab? What do you do for fun?”

I regret that at this time, current obligations do not allow me to respond to the aforementioned question in detail. However, I am pleased to share some information with you. You may initially find this information to be quite disturbing, but my fervent hope is that you can eventually accept the truth, which could lead to a peaceful, easy feeling. After all, is a life without comfort worth living?

So take heart: There is absolutely no reason to expect your beloved Chicago Bears to contend for any prizes in 2016-2017.

Why waste your life expecting any measure of success?  There is absolutely no data to suggest that the current owners and upper level management are capable of achieving success. They have not spent enough time in the lab, and even if they did it would not alter the course as their collective intelligence is sorely lacking.

“Albert, take heart, you say?” Yes. Take heart. Let go of any expectations for success.

You may choose to view the upcoming season as a comedy of errors. Enjoy the comedy, laugh. Laughter is good for the soul.

Or, choose to ignore the proceedings entirely. Rather than pondering, reading about, or watching/listening to anything related to the Chicago Bears professional football team, ignore the numbskulls behind the curtain and simply have fun.

But if you must pay attention to the National Football League, I encourage you to observe successful teams and players, even those that you despise or wish failure upon.

For example: You despise the New England Patriots. They are magnificent cheaters, and the mere thought of Bill Belichik and Tom Brady leads to feelings of nausea, deep anger and relentless resentment. In some cases, depression may ensue.

Re-frame the picture. Imagine the unadulterated joy that the New England Patriots (National Football League professional sports team) regularly bestow upon their fans. Year in, year out – regardless of injuries and off-field distractions – the New England Patriots perform admirably on the field. Their owner Mr. Kraft is clearly intelligent and while making money is certainly a priority, the data suggests that winning is, too. How refreshing(!).

Imagine what it would be like if your team (the Chicago Bears National Football league professional sports team) had achieved similar success the last 10-15 years. Hard to fathom, but let’s give it a try:

…the Chicago Bears are well run organization, from top to bottom…they are a great football team…they are winners…

Breath deep, visualize it all….take a deep breath….repeat. And again.

Finally….forget about it and move on.

Gentlemen and Ladies, I leave you with this:

Allow yourself to admire and enjoy the success of others. Lest not we forget the 7 Deadly Sins (“envy” is a bitch).

You may not be ready to release “the envy”. If so, proceed cautiously with “the bitch” (beware of “lust”). But I digress…(perhaps Sigmund will moderate that discussion at a future time).

Back to the lab. There is much data to process regarding other Chicago professional sports teams…and the like. There is never enough time, it seems.

Fondly, Albert

Seeking advice: The curse of Chicago TV babes

February 10, 2016 by

As some of you may have noticed, things have been a bit slow here at the darkest corner of the internet. It usually is this way after the football season because the Bears suck so bad, the amount of down time increases and thus, gives me less motivation to write.

Today, I finally decided to get to something I have been wanting to write about for a while. We had a tournament of Chicago babes in 2013. It was fantastic and generated conversation of some of the various ladies we get to see on Chicago television. After a year off, I organized another one and thought the choices were great.

It seems, though, that when have we these tournaments, bad things happen to the contestants. I called it the curse of Chicago TV babes. From getting married to fired and/or leaving Chicago completely, it has made yours truly, a very sad man. After looking at the two tournaments, you can see for yourself how awful this has been. So after looking at this list, do we have another tournament? Do we have it with less contestants or just not one at all? Weigh in with your thoughts.

2013 (12 of 16 contestants)

Cheryl Scott (champion) – Left NBC 5 for ABC 7; thrown into rumors of a now former, player of the Chicago Blackhawks

Susannah Collins (runner-up) Fired for a slip-up on the air in regards to the Blackhawks

Jen Lada (Both 2013 and 2015) – Left Comcast SportsNet for ESPN (ANGRY)

Erin McElroy Married Demetrius Ivory

Alicia Roman – Married a douche

Kate Sullivan – Fired

Krystle Gutierrez – Left

Daniella Guzman – Left

Kerry Sayers – MIA

Anna Davlantes – No longer on TV (Went to WGN Radio)

Lauren Jiggetts (Both 2013 and 2015) – Married

Kim Vatis – Left

2015 (5 of 16 contestants)

Brooke Weisbrod – Left

Erin Kennedy – Pregnant (again)

Lyndsay Petruny (winner) – Left (ANGRY)

Open thread

February 4, 2016 by

Who do you have for the Super Bowl?

Ted Phillips is at it again.

January 28, 2016 by

Tanks Fer Nuttin’

Our good friend Dan from Fire Ron Turner received a letter from Ted Phillips the other day. You can see that in the link above for the full story. It turns out, Ted is telling all of the fans that he and the Bears are sorry for sucking again. But no worries says Teddy. The Bears are going to do their best by raising ticket prices 10 fucking percent this year. You’re telling me that my $200 seats are going to cost $220 this year? These fuckers keep raising prices for a franchise that continues to lose double-digit games every season? Oh, that’s just fucking awesome.


Fun facts

January 24, 2016 by

The Super Bowl is now set with the Denver Broncos going up against the Carolina Panthers. And with these two teams in the final game of the season, I will point out some ways it’s tied to decisions that the Bears have made over the course of the last decade.

Lovie Smith fires Ron Rivera for his friend, Bob Babich. Babich goes on to suck for the Bears and since, they have been in a realm of irrelevancy. Rivera, on the other hand, goes to Carolina, builds a team over the course of several years and is now, in the Super Bowl.

Lovie and offensive dumbass, Mike Martz, decide that Greg Olsen is no longer needed on their team. The Bears trade Olsen to the Panthers. Olsen now has a chance to win a Super Bowl.

And last, but not least, what do these two teams have in common?

Both have fired John Fox, who currently coaches the Chicago Bears. And both of his replacements are in this game.

I only pray that history is on our side as fans of the Bears.

Open thread

January 20, 2016 by

Championship Sunday is upon us in the NFL. And yet, it’s another one without the Bears in it. Who do you have winning?

Also, for you WRASSLIN’ fans, it’s the Royal Rumble as well that night. The Road To Wrestlemania officially begins. It will be a busy Sunday night with that, football and the Blackhawks all going on at the same time.

This is the most bi-polar Bulls team I ever seen in my life.

January 13, 2016 by


As it usually goes when both teams are playing, I am always switching back and forth between the Bulls and Blackhawks. It drives me nuts at times because I tend to miss something when I switch. Last night, I was at it again.

The Bulls, seemingly playing well after back-to-back pants-shitting performances, did it again with their third straight loss. Zero defense, shitty free throw shooting and too many damn turnovers. Sound familiar?

Once again, let me say that Hoiberg is still a million times better than ThomASS. The Bulls still have a better chance of winning games now than they did with the previous moron. These horseshit performances are on the players.

It isn’t fucking hard to guard somebody. I feel like I am talking about the Bears with that sentence but this goes for the Bulls as well.

The Bulls win six in a row and are chasing the Cavaliers for first place and all of a sudden, they lose three in a row in shitty fashion. How the fuck does this keep happening? Most of their wins look great but all of their losses look shitty. It’s one thing for them to lose a game and it’s another to lose it without even looking like they’re trying.

Oh and that dumbass Joakim Noah is back. Maybe he has something to do with it? This current three-game losing streak started when this moron came back. Bobby Portis can’t see the court again because of it and he’s a million times better.

Because of the lack of the defense the entire season, I am already exhausted from this team 37 games into it. Is Mel Tucker employed in Chicago again? I don’t fucking get it. Everybody on the other team seems to be open under the basket and at the top of the key. It’s driving me fucking insane.

The times they are a changin’…or, are they?

January 9, 2016 by

Jay Cutler will have a new quarterback guru next year. The Chicago Bears will have a new offensive coordinator.

Robbie Gould has been released.

Congratulations Mr. Gase.

I’ll leave the analysis to those better qualified (Fro and the rest of youse). Thank you, my frendts.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

Stop the presses: The Buccaneers have fired Lovie Lee Smith.

January 6, 2016 by

Watch, another horrible franchise will hire him. My money is on the Eagles. Those fans deserve him.

Bears win NFC North Cellar Dweller Championship: Lions 24 Bears 20

January 3, 2016 by


What a game. Dick face throws three interceptions. The defense can’t stop anybody. And the difference between last year’s team and this year’s? One more win. That’s all that matters, right? A win is a win and a loss is a loss in the NFL. The Bears were one game better than last year.

This post will be dedicated to one of the few Chicago Bear players that has actually been likable over the course of the last decade: Matt Forte.

Drafted in 2008, he was an instant fan favorite. Frequent dumbass, Cedric Benson kept getting arrested. The Bears mercifully released him in Spring of that year, which lead to Forte getting drafted and becoming the starter.

This guy never bitched. And he had many opportunities to do so because of the franchise he was playing for. No matter what, he worked hard and was the best player on this team every time he put the uniform on. There wasn’t a bad thing to say about him.

Watching him play for the Bears has been one of the few good things to see over these years. With Jeremy Langford and Ka’Deem Carey doing very well in his absence earlier in the year, it appears that the Forte will be out the door, barring a miracle. I will understand why he may not be back. It’s a young man’s league and at Forte’s age, the salary cap is a factor and with two running backs who are much younger on the roster, it makes sense.

We should all thank Matt Forte for the memories if he is indeed, gone.


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